What's in a Name

'It's a funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think that he or she is wonderful.

Some parents go further. They become so blinded by adoration they manage to convince themselves their child has qualities of genius. 

Well, there is nothing wrong with all this. It is only when the parents begin telling us about the brilliance of their own revolting offspring, that we start shouting, "bring us a basin! we're going to be sick!"

“Matilda said, "Never do anything by halves if you want to get away with it. Be outrageous. Go the whole hog. Make sure everything you do is so completely crazy it's unbelievable.” 

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.” 

Roald Dahl

Thank You Note

Thank you for responding with lots of interesting comments on my birth post. It appears that almost no one has a smooth ride. And that's ok, right? Just means the way we talk about birth needs to change and we need to acknowledge that it's a complex, often difficult process, involving all sorts of emotions from fear to elation. As far as I'm concerned, if I am ever doing it again, I will not pressure myself at all and just be honest about it if newly pregnant friends ask my opinion. And not everyone needs to have bad experience. I think mine would have been much better if I hadn't approached it as if I was preparing for a yoga retreat. Seriously.
For the moment I'm concentrating on the here and now.
Next time, I'll tell you all about my postnatal depression and how I spent 4 weeks in the psych mother baby unit. I am just bags of fun and joy, let me throw it around like confetti!
But look how far we've come!

No Birth Story

This is not a birth story. I don't want to write what happened at the birth of my baby. I would rather forget.

People, I feel betrayed. I spent nine months reading nothing but birth stories. I couldn't wait to write down how I "birthed" my "babe". I read so many books on yoga birth poses, hypnobirthing and "breathing out the baby", and watched documentaries about arse-kicking feminist who give birth in the bathtub in the name female empowerment, and I could not wait to join them. I was obsessed with the many blogs detailing the lives of beautiful ladies birthing on yogaballs whilst muttering affirmations.
I wanted to be like them, and feel at one with the world, finally. This birthing experience was going to kick some arse.

Then I went to hospital, I somehow, I don't know how, gave birth to a 4,65 kilo baby, and I felt violated. Birth, people, was not my moment to experience self-realisation by means of connecting to mother earth in a powerful way. It was not empowering to feel the labour pains. I refuse to call them "waves". They were earth-shatteringly crippling pains that I was sure I'd not be able to handle for longer than 2 seconds. And I am no a wuss. I am built like a solid Germanic horse, and I could not believe my body was letting me down. I had gas, pain relief, and finally, thank you lord, the epidural. In my mind, I'd already failed. The yoga ball remained unused in the corner.

Then it was my moment to shine. Push! Push! I thought I'd experience the magic moment that I'd later remember - like a well of strength I'd be able to draw from for the rest of my life. Instead I thought I was going to die of fear. It is not empowering to be cut open like a christmas turkey and have a quarter pounder ripped out of you. And I don't think I'd say anything different if I'd given birth at home in a bathtub, to a normal-sized child.

And it was over, and she was out. Finally I was going to feel that giant rush of love when that wee wet bundle of joy would be chucked on my abdomen. Matilda was born, her heartrate had dropped and she was thrown in the emergency incubator and doctors were shoving oxygen on her face. I did not feel a rush of love. I felt my heart open wide when I saw her, briefly. I literally felt my heart open, and I heard myself screaming for the baby, I thought she was dead, and in that moment my newly open heart was torn into a million pieces.

Then the baby was fine, but I was bleeding, and medicated, and so, so sick. I felt like a tractor had been parked on me. I couldn't even hold the baby. I did not want to. I did not feel a rush of love. I did not feel empowered. I felt like a failure. And a bad mother. The world had suddenly become a terrifying place.
I felt I had let myself down, and the baby. And I kept looking at her, and urging myself to feel that joy that I'd read so much about, but for me it remained unreachable.

How sad for me that I spent nine months not following my own instincts, and believing that I needed to have not a birth, but a BIRTH EXPERIENCE. It needed to be calm, spiritual, amazing, and my favourite word of all time (not): NATURAL. A natural birth please, for me! I wanted to show it to the naysayers who'd tell me with that evil glint in their eyes that I'd scream for an epidural the second the contractions hit. Which I did (that doesn't make the naysayers any nicer though).
Well screw all that.

I wish that prior to giving birth, someone had told me that it's ok to be terrified, scared, upset. That birth isn't a concept that sits somewhere between yoga and discovering god.

Lucky for me, my friend Erin saved my life when I told her, in tears, that I did not feel a rush of love for my baby at all. I did not feel a huge "bond". I simply felt that the earth had stopped moving. All I could feel was extreme terror that something might happen to her, or me.

Then Erin said: "you didn't meet the baby at birth, and you didn't need to bond with her. You met her when she was in your belly, you bonded with her then, and you already knew her when she came out. You didn't need to fall in love with her. You were already in love with her".

And it was true. And we are ok, now.

PS: This is what a baby looks like just after birth. Not that pretty. Take note, movie makers.

Awkward Pause.

Pretty good excuse though

Hello

Matilda Joy 

17 September 2011

Seedling

The mystery tree is starting to do stuff. 

I started doing stuff. With all the growing around here it just made sense to plant seedlings while I'm waiting. 

I got some lovely heirloom seeds and used easy-peasy Jiffy Pods to plant the seeds.

Now they are covered and sitting by the window waiting to sprout.

I am covered with a blanket sitting on the couch waiting as well. 

39 weeks

Some shots my photographer friend Laura took - I'm glad she talked me into it! x

It's official - we are having a spring baby! 

In between taking baths and naps and visiting the acupuncturist to needle the baby out, I've not been doing much. I have really gone into my quiet little cocoon space in my own head just waiting for the baby. I am noticeably impatient with others and have very little capacity to listen to anyone. I think it's just my brain and body focussing and the most important task that's coming up. Most fantastically everyone seems to understand (with the odd exception of course).

I have been watching this tree in our garden. I can't figure out what kind it is. It's in our yard and it's big and it has black buds. I'm waiting for the baby, and waiting for the buds of the tree to open so I can see!

{Been obsessively making things with my circular cutter and paper!} 

Been watching old Friends and Season 2 of Parenthood.} 

Been making this really delicious and easy Apple Streusel slice.}

Been reading this great blog!} 

(My friend Laura came over to visit me and we had cake and tea and she took some belly shots. She is a photographer and they turned out amazing. I'm glad she talked me into it! She also explained my Canon 550D to me, I have been using the auto mode because I am technically so challenged, but I'm getting a bit more creative with it now I understand the basics and it's great fun!}

Yummy lamb mince and hummus flatbreads!

This is a super quick and very delicious dinner that I've invented recently, using a recipe in the Moro Cookbook as inspiration. If you do not like lamb mince you can use beef mince too or a Vegetarian faux-mince! 

You could also make the hummus yourself but I didn't - for the sake of speediness. Plus I reckon the hummus we get from the market is pretty delicious anyways.

what you need to make 4 serves

1 onion, finely diced

2 garlic cloves, chopped
250g minced lamb - or more if you like it meaty

hummus (about a 250g tub will be enough)

4-6 flatbreads

pinenuts

olive oil
black pepper
sea salt

2 tbs sweet paprika
chopped fresh parsley

chopped fresh mint

Serve with fresh lettuce leaves or make a salad with lettuce, red peppers and feta cheese! 

how to make

Pop the flatbreads in the oven for about 10 minutes at 180 degrees to heat them.

Meanwhile heat 2 tbsp of olive oil in a small frying pan and fry the onions and garlic until tender. Add the lamb mince, season with salt, pepper and sweet paprika (also some dried coriander if you like it).

Use a fork to break the lamb up as it cooks. Take your flatbreads out of the oven and spread hummus on generously. Then sprinkle the cooked lamb mince mix over the hummus. Sprinkle pine nuts and a generous serving of parsley and mint over the top. Finish off with a bit of sweet paprika and serve with a lovely fresh salad! 

Flatbread

Prints

Can't get enough of prints at the moment. I love these glycee prints from CakeWithGiants. 

Summer...

I am a huge fan of UK fairtrade clothes company PeopleTree and I would totally like to buy all of these dresses immediately. Not that I could fit into them right now, but with the right lottery win, size reduction due to birth, and fake tan these would be a winner for summer don't you think! It's amazing the time you can waste online when you're on the couch with a huge baby belly... I think the phone rang three times and I am just too sleepy to answer, let alone have a conversation of the sense-making kind!

from Peopletree

Nursery Craft

Here are some shots of the nursery! We did not really need to spend much money on the baby's room. We got the change table and crib as family hand me downs, and the cabinet I picked up second hand, same with the chair (it's an Ikea chair that was recommended to me for breastfeeding).
I made all the blankets and wraps. I also made the cute little fabric circles above the crib. I also made the curtains from Ikea fabric. All in all we spent about 200 dollars on the room I think. I am really in love with it and so happy how it turned out!

35 Weeks

Yup, that's us.

I am totally out of sorts this week. Last week I went to hospital every single day. It was exhausting.
I finally got a diagnosis for my heart issue and it consists of fancy Latin words that essentially mean I have a form of tachicardia which can potentially be fixed after pregnancy with a small procedure. On my heart.
I do find that a bit frightening. I found it frightening to sit in a hospital so far away from home and be told in words I barely understand (I don't really get medical English) what they were going to potentially do, or not. It made me want to jump on a plane. I was just worried about the baby to be honest, but this condition I have is not that bad, and I have been assured by my sister I don't need to worry about it.

I am also increasingly irritable because I am now so huge and uncomfortable and the larger the size of the belly the more stupid advice I get and I really just don't want to have to listen...  I am taking time out on the couch as a result of all of this. I don't even want to call anybody, I just want to sit on the couch and wait till the world spins at a very very slow speed, just like me. 

I'm weaved out

Weaved in all the ends. I do really, really hate weaving in ends.

I am loving this now it's finished. Based on the Super Easy Baby Blanket. Knitted in superwash Merino (very soft) from Morris&Sons. The colours may be crazy. But I like it a bit crazy.

34 Weeks

Feeling ready. In the next weeks we will find out if there will be an early induction. Since the baby is on the 96 percentile in terms of her growth, I don't have a problem with coaxing her out early. She seems quite eager to emerge, I think the frantic kicking is her trying to find the exit. If she is like me, she will box her way out impatiently. If she is like her dad, she will hang on in there and just chill, induction hormones or not. 

I have been reading parenting books and been thinking about what our baby needs and what it doesn't need. I have been discussing some things with other mothers and looking for parenting inspiration everywhere. I have found it disappointing that people who are already parents will delight in telling you that all your parenting ideals are snotty, unachievable and pretentious. I don't want to discuss my ideals and goals with anyone who is just waiting for me to fail so I can join them on the parental bottom of the pit with a glass of bourbon. So I have stuck to friends who will be celebrating our smaller and bigger successes and be kind about our failures without that "in your face" sentiment. I have really made a point to avoid people who give me that "just you wait" attitude, rather than support me in my decisions. 

Pregnancy and having children is a minefield of opinion - I don't think I've ever even discussed any topic that people are so passionately opinionated about. That may be a good thing but it also means you have to stick to your guns and ideas even though you don't know what you're doing - yet and feel overwhelmed by so much advice and warnings and raised eyebrows. A friend of mine emailed me the the other day and said "all they need is food and nappies and lots of love in the beginning" and I felt tempted to reply "yes but do they also need a Sophie Le Giraffe teething toy?". That's when I realised I really have to stop worrying and start trusting my instincts. My instincts tell me that the baby needs me to chill the heck out. So I am. And also eat biscuits. Which I am also doing. 

Baby Quilt

... and a matching cushion too. I am really happy with the end result!

The pattern and quilting was very much inspired by this quilt - I fell in love with the zig zag lines. And I am saying inspired because I could never execute anything as amazingly as Rita. And while I am writing this odd Oscars thank you speech, may I say huge props go to my machine's trusty walking foot and thanks to my machine for not quitting on me and always believing in me. Well. Mostly.

The fabrics came mainly from scraps, except the lovely elephant fabric which I completely adore! I did not make the binding - I have lost my bias tape maker so popped into Amitie this afternoon to grab some binding there. It is very dangerous to live close to Amitie. I had to sit on the floor to rummage through the bias binding basket, and had difficulty getting up again, and I'm sure everyone in there thought I was going to go into labour clutching my bias tape and that my waters would break over all the lovely quilts. Now there's a scenario to have nightmares about.

I have been spending so much time at home resting and recovering and this was the perfect little project to keep me calm and trucking along on the machine. And what a glorious day today so I could photograph the quilt in the sunshine! I hope the baby will like her heirloom. She will probably say "but mum I want barbie sheets from Target". Bad luck dude, bad luck.